Straddling Santa Claus in a Parked Car
Yes, that is actually something that happened in a Hallmark movie
Sorry, everyone, we have eight movies from Thanksgiving weekend and most of them weren't very good.
A Season for Family
Maddy's adopted son Wesley has just one Christmas wish — to meet his brother Cody, who was adopted into a different family. Cody's father Paul is a widower who is not ready to have this conversation with his son, so he turns down a meeting. However, circumstances bring the two brothers unknowingly together and they become fast friends, while sparks fly between Maddy and Paul.
Tropes: Widow Love, Let's Share a Massive Secret at Christmas!
Now if you read that synopsis, you're probably thinking this is a little too convenient. But it doesn't seem like too much of a stretch considering all of those stories about people unknowningly becoming friends with their half-siblings from the same sperm donor. Those are a little more tragic considering those stories typically involve some sociopath man fathering hundreds of children.
This story, on the other hand, is cute! Hallmark brought out their A-tier child actors. The ones that look like they have an iron deficiency so they're a little more darling.
The main conflict in this movie comes from our single widower wanting to honor his dead wife's memory and wishes, and everyone else being like lol it's been two years move on already. You already know how I feel about Hallmark's mourning period propaganda so I'll just say it's not hard to be sympathetic to his reluctance.
It's up for you to decide whether this movie is actually good, or whether I was just blinded by my joy for having another Hallmark Christmas season with a former Degrassi actor. To plead my case, I tried watching Lifetime's movie this year with Jake Epstein (aka Craig) and had to turn it off a quarter of the way in. See, I can be unbiased!
Verdict: I want to see you cry.
Catch Me If You Claus
Avery Quinn is an aspiring news anchor who's finally getting her big break on her station's Christmas morning newscast. But that's put in jeopardy when she captures an intruder in her home wearing a red suit claiming to be Chris, Santa's son, who is on his first mission.
Tropes: Falling in Love with Santa
This movie sold me at the start of the season based on the name alone. And I'm happy to report the movie is just as ridiculous as the name!
It's like The Santa Clause mixed with Home Alone and someone's Santa Claus fanfic. Heavy on the fanfic: The first half of the movie is Chris tied up with Christmas garland (it's got reinforced wire) wearing a henley. And then having Avery straddle and make out with Chris in a car as an evasion tactic (her idea) when they're running from some bad guys? Seriously, drop the link to the fanfic source material, Hallmark.
Honestly, it's been years since we had a real Santa romance from Hallmark. Finally some new Santa lore! Oh, did you think his name was Kris Kringle? Wrong! It's Chris Vanderschmidt—the Kringle family hasn't been the Santa lineage in years.
Santa romance not enough for you? Well, we've also got a major city politics scandal, petty theft and break-in crime sprees, a group of actors, local news network drama, and living in your parent's shadow plots too. Take your pick!
Verdict: At no point did I know where this movie would be going, and that’s exactly what I wanted.
Letters to Santa
When young siblings receive a magic pen from Santa that appears to be granting wishes, they request a Christmas gift they want more than anything — for their separated parents to reunite.
Tropes: "Christmas Magic," Finish a Work Deadline at Christmas, Just Get a Divorce
Hallmark is really laying into the dysfunctional family relationships in recent years. But just as with the divorce Christmas movie last year We Wish You a Married Christmas, it's kind of a bummer!
At times it feels like you're watching a dramatization of an AITA submission. They're separated because he took all the money from her book advance and gave it to his mother for her restaurant without consulting her. Like, girl, run! Him playing guitar and singing again isn't going to pay the bills. He's stolen your money once and he'll steal it again!
On top of these two idiots, we have the most annoying children of the season. And to make it even worse, we have a meddling mother-in-law. She gets the kids a puppy without consulting the parents and is like uh oh Christmas magic! It's not Christmas magic, Camilla, it's disrespecting boundaries!
Verdict: Watch if you want to give yourself a reason to never have children
Holiday Road
When bad weather leaves each of them stranded at the airport for the holidays, a tech entrepreneur, a travel writer, a devoted mother and her son, a stubborn senior, an enigmatic woman with a hint of mystery, a couple traveling from Hong Kong and a social media influencer all agree to rent a shared van to embark on a road trip to Denver.
Tropes: Strangers-to-Found Family
If it's an ensemble movie, you know I have to rank the storylines from best to worst:
Stubborn Senior
Couple Traveling from Hong Kong
Enigmatic Woman with a Hint of Mystery
Devoted Mother and Her Son
Tied for Last Place: Tech Entrepreneur, Travel Writer, and Social Media Influencer
All I'm saying is that I would never let a social media influencer join my car pool.
Verdict: There were too many movies this week for me to care about half of these plotlines, so I may have enjoyed this movie more if it had aired during another weekend.
Christmas in Notting Hill
Famous soccer star, Graham Savoy, has always been too busy for love, but when he comes home to Notting Hill for Christmas, he changes his mind after meeting Georgia — a visiting American and the one person who has no idea who he is.
Tropes: Celebrity/Normal Person Romance
This is a movie for everyone that obsessively watched British YouTubers doing Vlogmas in 2013ish. For all the Christmas activities they do, you'll be like oh yes I remember seeing Zoe Sugg or Tanya Burr do something like this before.
If you weren't already convinced this movie is for teen girls in their 30s, the casting of Peter from The Chronicles of Narnia as the male lead should be enough to convince you.
The plot is pretty standard, but I was mostly impressed by their attempts at authenticity. All of the British characters look very British. The scenery looks British. This probably seems like a low bar, but it's very impressive to not just be Canada, okay??
Verdict: You must have gotten London as a result for a Which City Should You Live In BuzzFeed quiz to enjoy this movie.
Haul Out the Holly: Lit Up
As the holidays approach, Emily and Jared are looking forward to celebrating the holidays together again, this time as a couple. Emily, now embracing Evergreen Lane's uniquely festive spirit, is ready to work with Jared, Ned, Mary Louise, and Pamela to make this year's Christmas celebrations the best yet — even if being the HOA president's girlfriend doesn't stop those dreaded decorating citations. When a house on the block goes up for sale, it causes quite a stir with residents. When the soon-to-be neighbors turn out to be holiday royalty, it looks like this year's competition is about to heat up.
Tropes: Christmas is for Cutthroat Competition
How could you possibly top a plot focusing on one of America's most hated institutions, the HOA? By making your sequel focus on one of America's other most hated institutions: the internet influencer/reality star.
This movie is just like the first one in that they are just as absurd with their HOA rules but this time they have a new target and everyone else besides Emily is too starstruck to enforce the rules until it gets out of hand.
Personally, I find influencer families really creepy so this wasn't as enjoyable as I thought it would be. I just kept thinking about the mental damage they're doing to their son by making him part of their weird holiday influencer lifestyle.
But there's a lot more Pamela in this one and she's the best character, so that made up for the mental anguish a bit!
Verdict: If you liked the first one, you'll probably like the second one.
Our Christmas Mural
Olivia is a single mom who returns home for Christmas. Her mom secretly enters her into a mural contest; she wins but partners with teacher to create a Christmas masterpiece.
Tropes: Widow Love, Rivals-to-Lovers
Is this movie good? Not at all! Is Dan Jeannotte playing yet another charming guy? Yes, but it doesn't make this movie any more watchable.
Like all Hallmark Christmas movies apparently, we've got another widow with a child. They really need to tell us how the spouses died. I'm starting to think there's an epidemic going on.
We're supposed to believe she's been able to support herself and her child living in Brooklyn while working at a community art gallery or something. Even though her position is funded by a short-term grant that didn't get renewed. Is this the most unrealistic part of the movie? Or is it that her Thomas Kincaid-esque art would even be selected as the winner of the mural contest?
Verdict: I can only take so many widows/widowers fretting over moving on to a new romantic partner in one weekend.
A Biltmore Christmas
Lucy Hardgrove is a screenwriter who lands the job of a lifetime when she's hired to pen the script for a remake of the beloved holiday movie classic, His Merry Wife!, which was filmed in 1947 at the beautiful, historic Biltmore House. When the head of the studio isn't satisfied with the ending Lucy wrote because it deviates from the original's feel-good conclusion, he sends Lucy to Biltmore Estate for research and inspiration.
Tropes: Time Travel Shenanigans
This movie is a Hallmark masterpiece. It's like they've been training for this very movie for years. Last year, A Holiday Spectacular was their best attempt to date at partnering with an institution and making a plot that seamlessly centers the institution. This year, A Biltmore Christmas takes it a step further by spending on their big name Hallmark stars to take the lead. They also delve into a territory that Hallmark has shyed away from (likely due to the cost): the period piece.
On top of the top notch acting and script, we also got some of the most gorgeous set design. I went down a rabbit hole on Instagram about how they did the tinsel Christmas trees (a combination of traditional tinsel and tinsel curtains with metallic threads, if you're curious). Absolutely stunning work.
Sorry if you hate time travel via mysterious objects, but that's the plot. I will accept nothing less than a sequel where Lucy is helping Jack adjust to the future and helping him break into the modern acting industry. Let's go just as meta and make him a Hallmark actor with a multi-movie contract!
Verdict: Definitely watch this movie. In particular, if you need a movie to watch with your mom, she will love this.
This Last Weekend
I swear I'll catch up eventually (I've actually watched all of them to date—quippy remarks are hard!)
Time for Her to Come Home for Christmas
My Norwegian Holiday
A Not So Royal Christmas
Christmas with a Kiss
Bonus
Here's the mural they made:
Laughing so hard at "straddling Santa." IYKYK